ALIEN LANDSCAPE
Author : NHJ
MSN: crescent_cage@hotmail.com
email : spherickey@gmail.com
Other Blogsites
MRH
Yeoks
Airina
Iskandar
PostSecret
echoncyllan
Before Gargoyle
One Million Footnotes
Read My Poetry.
Playing:
Between the Bars (Elliott Smith Cover) by Metric
Thursday, December 30, 2004
fell in love with a comet
i finally told F i am an alien. actually he wasn't that surprised. what shocked and shook him was how he is a half breed. neither here nor there. but sometimes i feel he is more there.
i probably have not said everything that is to be said of Barry. how she rekindled that isolation i felt so long ago when F talked to Atrini. those long conversations they had still distresses me. it reminds me of how much of a stranger and how much he did not belong to me. i fear strangers. i fear who and what they might be.
besides, i dislike Barry. intensely. and i am not like this. this is not me. but i dislike Barry. very much. even Atrini never triggered off such things. she is a stain.
every man and woman who has somekind of connection with F with exception of a few trigger such painful supernovas of isolation that i get misplaced or thrown so far off my planet sometimes it takes weeks to come home. i live for weeks in a world of strangers. those who i fear may just transform and chain me to sick earth.
no there can never be comprehension. no one knows. how is it to live in a distant planet alone and falling in love with a comet that struck my heart so violently i can never recover. such awesome power. such beautiful conquest. like the spread of wildflowers. no one can know how it is to fall in love with an alien. a stranger. one who holds such prmise of actually staying.
i tried to teach him my ways. the ways of this world. but there is so much anger in him, so much despair. he cannot learn. i was in denial. i made myself think that he is not an alien anymore here. that he belongs here, in my flat world. here, the earth is flat.
he is sad that he is halfbreed. but it cannot be changed. it is who he is. isolation comes swift and lingering. and that is who i am about.
it's ok.
Posted by NHJ 12/30/2004 09:25:00 pm
Monday, December 27, 2004
today marks the day i leave everything behind. bury the hatchet and plant flowers on it like what my now lost brother used to say.
F and i got into a major fight regarding my past. i wish not to write about it. and somehow it ends up with him wanting to me to delete the last traces of memories i have of the new Revealer. i wish things doesn't have to be like this. i wish i can know how he is doing, whether he is still with MF, whether his grand plans of love and escape are working out.
i guess i may feel that it is unfair of F to deny me my only remaining friend. i guess it may be an injustice i can't even keep emails that assure me that Revealer is really turning out ok and that he has found his path. though seperate from mine it may be but it is a happy one, very much different from the dark shadows he melted into shape from. but i have learnt through all this that there are sacrifices, big ones, to be made when i'm with someone like F. someone wonderful who create whole worlds surrounding us and blocking out everyone else. someone who breathes love like he breathes air. my soulmate, my life.
i realise he needs me and alien presence from a strange planet called past is threatening and hurtful no matter how long it has resided within myself. no matter how much it hurts me, no matter how low i feel for deserting someone who still cares even though i don't anymore, in the end it doesn't matter. because honestly now, all that matters is that i give him happiness. God knows that it keeps me alive, it fills me and reminds me that i am not hollow that i do have a part in this world. and my part is to love him. for that love is something i live on to save myself and to save the fragile worlds i have in my mind and to keep caring for mankind.
i am sorry, Revealer for ever knowing you so i could just desert you in the end. and i am sorry F for ever having a past you don't like.
i look forward to the challenges i have to fight alone in the future. finally i can say maybe Sturm Brightblade would've been proud of me. sure i breached my honour as a friend and as a lady. but now i am making things right in the honour of love.
oh cheese.
oh and be well brother.
Posted by NHJ 12/27/2004 01:24:00 pm