ALIEN LANDSCAPE
Author : NHJ
MSN: crescent_cage@hotmail.com
email : spherickey@gmail.com
Other Blogsites
MRH
Yeoks
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Iskandar
PostSecret
echoncyllan
Before Gargoyle
One Million Footnotes
Read My Poetry.
Playing:
Between the Bars (Elliott Smith Cover) by Metric
Monday, June 28, 2004
dome
i dreamt of W two nights in a row. i wonder what that means. i have almost completely shut him out of my life for F. i guess shutting out so abruptly wasn't such a good idea. i do miss him. he was after all probably the only true friend i had through my primary and secondary years in school. but there's no desire to have him back in my life. it would settle very hard on F.
W promised me he'll invite me to his wedding when he marries M. i hope F will want to go.
i went out with F today. it was good. we walked around among aliens in a repelling bubble and talked between ourselves. the usual stuff. sometimes i wish the aliens wouldn't get too near. i don't like them.
i keep thinking we might bump into W. i wasn't thinking of him the whole way. just flashes of him appear now and then. [why do i even need to explain anything here. must be growing into a habit because of F. i have to explain everything. but i don't mind of course. it gets frustrating sometimes though because it gives me headaches] i didn't tell F that though [about flashes of W]. he's always so unopen when it comes to W - always ready to pounce and accuse me of something i wouldn't think of doing to him - and not to mention getting upset and insecure. but if he were to read this, i know he's going to insist i tell him no matter what. i think i will. though i feel it's somewhat unnecassary.
he asks me a lot what was on my mind. the answer was almost always 'nothing' - which is true. i stare a lot into space. he always thinks that i have something on my mind or am worried about something that i am hiding from him. most often i'm just not capable of feeling anything but him and his overpowering love i have grown to depend on to live properly.
he gives me a lot of attention which i'm not used to. that is why it's weird that most of the time, i'm not aware of my existence. i seem to see myself only as a reflection in his eyes.
i don't want them to take him away albeit temporarily. but how is that even possible. why is it that they can touch and slip into our bubble so easily when we can't come out and touch them?
Posted by NHJ 6/28/2004 07:02:00 pm
Friday, June 25, 2004
liliputian-clad
world dominion have always been a favourite past time. now of course, they're doing it more peacefully. i feel rather large suddenly. nothing to do with pride or arrogance. just vulnerability. surrounded by little obedient people clouded by visions of their peaceful little country; reading of "war on terrorism" and gasping behind their tiny helpless hands. surrounded by little conquerers in corporate suits - with slit eyes. i feel large and vulnerable in my awareness. welcome to liliput.
Posted by NHJ 6/25/2004 09:03:00 pm
Thursday, June 24, 2004
i asked F 'why do things get lost'. a fraction of a second later, i forgot the question and blabbered on about something else.
Posted by NHJ 6/24/2004 06:23:00 pm
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
just lines
everything is just getting darker and darker. i still wonder how the the world lasted this long since humans came. since the beginning, they try to snuff out darkness with darkness. aggression with more aggression. there have been so many brilliant minds among them speaking of logic, empathy, compassion, peace; somehow it feels like those merely are theories or half-proven truths - legends. such is the world that peace is something legendary, heroism under a blue moon and honesty comes with a title, a reward and even worst, publicity. these things have become a source of entertainment in movies, a source of amusement amd mockery, if not temporary inspiration .
i read somewhere: there are no horizons - only lines.
how apt for these people. what they glorify and boast about are merely just that; lines they draw, simple gestures to guide the blind and helpless. yet lionized.
horizons, they claim.
Posted by NHJ 6/23/2004 08:52:00 pm
Monday, June 21, 2004
nude astral projection
the worst part about leaving F for 5 days was having to leave him with the world without me. it's like leaving my body on the streets free to be tempered with while my mind goes for a vacation. my possessiveness goes deeper than he realises. i hate sharing F with the world. i don't like having him go anywhere without me by his side. it's a little extreme i think. but it can't be helped. again, like the body analogy. he means too much.
i have seen so many beautiful things in F that the world doesn't seem to know about. i can't help wanting all those wonderful secrets for myself. i can't help fearing that if one day any of those secrets leak out, i might just lose him. his pledge of love doesn't really overpower my greedy love for him. sometimes i think i love myself too much to trust him. but that selfishness comes only when i'm drunk in high emotions. though i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing or not, usually i don't seem to be aware of myself. my existence in this world depends very much on his love.
and my dependence frightens me and makes me want to bury myself in him even deeper. but that doesns't help much.
Posted by NHJ 6/21/2004 09:26:00 pm
five long days of painful longing and grey buzzing silence. it wasn't much of being dragged by the hair to a country even more alien than my birthplace, or being merely tolerated by the family because my mouth doesn't open every few seconds and that i'm not "pretty" enough or trying not to vomit all the time from motion sickness or simply just being there in that place of noisy dead and static existence that hurt so much. it was leaving F.
i finally told F abt Alien Landscape. he didn't take it too well. don't blame him though. i have been so demanding lately and not yielding much. i didn't even admit to him how i was jealous of that Tash who has a way with his brother and cousin. it was really important for me having Mr. S like me and to think i have to be pretty and flirtatious to achieve that depressed me, amusingly. i'm not new to jealousy to potential mate rivals but being jealous of bouncing minahs out to seduce his young brother settles very badly. i told F snidely of how minahs are just cursed with that gift of seduction, trying foolishly to show my superiority to their kind and ways but it just rang empty. a high 'THUNG!' sound you get when you hit an empty bottle. i'm not used to being straight forward even though i berated him so many times for dodging what is to be said.
so here i am, my chagrin hanging in the air like a bad stink while F sits far across the country, disappointed.
there i was cursing my dad's pride. apparently plentiful rubbed onto me.
Posted by NHJ 6/21/2004 07:28:00 pm
Monday, June 07, 2004
she was right, that foreign reporter. i am living on a dead skin of Earth. in the process of advancing from a third-world country to a first-world one, Singapore has slowly bleed away its very soul. they have cease to become money-hungry parasites.
in this country, it is very hard to not become a racist with the majority race [most of them] turning the country into nothing but a factory of cold mindless conformists eager to do bidding just to get wealth as a reward.
i can't believe that once, they led me to be proud of Singapore. no doubt one of their brainwashing schemes.
Posted by NHJ 6/07/2004 07:44:00 pm
my grandmother drifts lost in the future.
this month she will be left alone in a cuboid HDB flat unit, cushioned in suffocation between strange Chinese neighbours while her daughter goes off on vacation with her family. the poor old woman is obviously feeling very lonesome. she would cook all kinds of dishes alone in that empty house and then when she's done, she would take the MRT all the way to our place to give the dishes to us.
being not much of a conversationalist, she would sit there quiet and temporarily relieved by the little flickers of company. she would gaze at my sister or brother silently, mutely loving and trying in vain to make jokes out of Western TV shows they are constantly watching.
it's like she has nothing more to give but love [in a immeasurable quantities yet nothing in return] and nothing else to do but wander around this soulless country waiting for something she doesn't really want. i wish there is something i can do. something for my grandmother.
Posted by NHJ 6/07/2004 07:16:00 pm