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Sykopanther - 2001 All rights reserved

Thursday, September 15, 2005

i am afraid that with each day, i fall deeper into the darkness. there are many things i wish to record here in shameless detail. unfortunately, i cannot do that. i am simply unable to. the falseness of my literary prowess sugar coats all things salty as blood. Islam forbids us to drink blood of any kind. especially human. often, forbidden things taste exquisite. that is why lately i have been more afraid than normal.

there are things i have done which are black as the canvas of a star graveyard. a psychiatrist's most important advice should be: don't listen to the voices.

they have come back. an army of bodiless voices murmuring inaudibly in my head, speaking only to my soul. where is my soul? i long to record my darkest thoughts here. to describe the many signs of my potential as ... as a ... a ... i cannot say it. i have not even the word for it.

i need to cry. i need to write. but the fear in me drives a pen too deep into paper. as i write, letters grow into monstrous sizes and suddenly starve and shrivel to emaciation. they are jagged like teeth, then rounded like buttons. the irregularity is disturbing and make uncomfortable suggestions about my corrupted sanity. i cannot cry. i feel the tears to be dirty. i feel it to be blood. i don't want to bleed. i have bled enough for a lifetime.

i need to talk to someone. someone who responds with severe honesty. not someone who wants to help. their judgements are often clouded with concern. someone who carries the burden of a secret comfortably.

i cannot do this anymore. Lord, i am so scared. please forgive me. give me the courage of the honest. oh God help me. help me please. i cannot do this... i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this i cannot do this

i have to stop for a while. i need to drown in something solid and confusing and utterly meaningless. like financial management. i need to keep close to God. i should not have strayed too far. there is only so much i can take without faith.

i will be back on the Alien Landscape in a week or so. Lord be willing, i might return recovered. maybe i did ask for pain to fuel my poetry. but not this kind. not guilt. not guilt... please... no more guilt. i cannot do this. i cannot do this. oh my God... please forgive me... oh God i'm so scared... don't let them take me away from my family...
Posted by NHJ 9/15/2005 07:44:00 pm