Alien Landscape

space night with space girls.

i don't know how it happened.
there was a tiny pulse of a headache which for some reason triggered off a tidal wave of suppressed feelings. it may be something she said.

the rest was a blur. the only real thing then was this weight pressing down and the loose cold fingers holding mine. i remember the walking. there was too much walking and the world was spinning too quickly. i could barely keep up with the treadmill. the only thing i remember thinking, she has an exam tomorrow, she has an exam tomorrow, she has an exam tomorrow. wake up. be ok. be ok.

red lights. smoke. there was a deafening sound of traffic at some point of time but it disappeared in a minute. i think i may have fallen asleep and for some reason waking up feeling embarrassed. did i say or do something stupid?

there were also two guys watching us. were they watching me or her? she mumbled something right then in a maternal tone. they were watching me. i didn't believe her. stairs. clip clop. humming escalators. the cold fingers loosened. i felt this overwhelming fear that she would fall back and push me into the tracks.

she did not.

guilt. of course she did not. oh God no, the blackness at the back of my throat was starting to well and spill. no. not with so many people around. not with J watching. pathetic. sticks. i needed tobacco sticks so everything inside of me would evaporate into strawberry smoke. no. just hide your face for a while. ok. ok. you're fine.

walking. beeping. i felt her eyes on me briefly. she has an exam tomorrow. i gestured for my belongings. then she was beside me. she has an exam tomorrow. go. i told her to go. her voice was nervous and unsure when she told me to call her. she went.

howling. the endless howling of the train and the piercing beeps in between. it was so cold. i hope the old lady beside me didn't mind my head on her shoulder. her warm flesh and bone kept me conscious.

more howling. strange men and women watching discriminately. strange children out in odd hours, sucking their thumbs. walking. more walking.

the hysterical voices of the space girls penetrated the drunken fog. i felt hands on me demanding to know what happened. the blackness. oh no. not now. it poured out in heaves. she has an exam tomorrow. the voices got louder. who, they screamed. how. what. give us a name. i gave them one. someone fumbled my pockets. click click.

someone put her arms around me. she whispered in Malay that's enough. it's ok. she started talking for a long time. her voice soothed me. the fabric of her sweater felt right. i started to forget. she mentioned a name. someone who's Down Under. i pushed her away.

shh. she said. i felt indignant and stupid. but she came back swiftly and wrapped me like a wind. we'll talk of something else. endless walking. laughter. forgetting.

warm sheets. hushed voices. talking. talking all through the night. my clothes pulled off. water. lovely water on parched throat. i slept tangled in sweater clad bodies, still deep in conversation.
Posted by NHJ 3/15/2007 07:53:00 am

Thursday, March 15, 2007