ALIEN LANDSCAPE
Author : NHJ
MSN: crescent_cage@hotmail.com
email : spherickey@gmail.com
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MRH
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echoncyllan
Before Gargoyle
One Million Footnotes
Read My Poetry.
Playing:
Between the Bars (Elliott Smith Cover) by Metric
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
boys and/or girlsok randomness.Fir's armpits smell like girls.or is it just my obsessive aesthetic attraction to ladies mingles with the sexual attraction to inaccessible frail articulate men-boys with gay tendencies?am i doomed to forever have crushing crushes on random girls and fall hard for the same boys! LE GASP. am i bisexual? it cannot be! girls only turn me on emotionally. i feel unreasonably protective of them. that shouldn't count.i've realised that all the boys, except Hidayat, i've had major lovey feelings for are either androgynous or effeminate. Khai was emo and emo is gay, Fir is twice as emo and therefore twice as gay, Dzul is the Shakespearean drama club boy who likes to wear tights, Isti looked like a masculine version of Siti Roslinda (and i love Siti Roslinda. ok weird), Khairul has silly curly hair and speaks like an exaggerated genteel gentleman and Rudy is thin and has model-esque feminine features.and not to forget,Fir's armpits smell like girls.and i am mad for loving that girl armpit smell.conclusion. i love ladies as ladies and the inner ladies in men, and my feelings for men are that of grudging respect, intellectual envy and most importantly, irresistable lust.all in all, i am perfectly normal and ambiguously heterosexual.blah.
Posted by NHJ 3/28/2007 04:33:00 pm
the young lady who gave me cookies.her eyes were animated with eager energy but i still couldn't see past her wrinkled 65 year old skin or hear past her raspy slightly shaky voice as she crowed excitedly at my childish looking sketch of her. please call me Nalini she had said, her clear eyes disappearing in a smile. it was a response to my calling her Ma'am.even though we had quite an engaging conversation about religion and films, she still was a sad old woman to me.her mind is very young. dare i say, younger than mine? more open than mine? she talks of armageddon cheerfully, she crows at every interesting thing she sees, she teases and laughs at passersby, she giggles behind her hand like a teenager and she has a very young smile. not old lady smiles, full of tolerance, sadness, wisdom and age. she smiles like a child! wide, white and purely happy. still, the white of dentures of course.despite all this, i still see her wrinkled skin and her sparse hair, as she talks of things old ladies are not prone to talk about in that light English accent with a touch of Indian. i still feel the leather rough touch of her rickety hands. i still feel guilty of my youth when she quickens her steps to match mine. i still judge her. i still think of her as the kind old lady who buys me cookies and candy because i carried her groceries, not the articulate fiery young woman she is. (she then grabbed half of what she gave me and proceeded to smile and eat them herself)Az asked me if she was senile. i felt guilty for seriously considering it. just because an old lady doesn't act her age, does not necessarily mean she has several screws loose.the truth is, i can't get any younger than she is right now.old age is so frightening. no matter who you are, the young always see you as that nice old lady or that sad old lady. you have no identity.Nalini, it was nice meeting you. maybe we will meet again in Paris!
Posted by NHJ 3/28/2007 01:03:00 pm
Sunday, March 25, 2007
melt, knelt, welt.with our spines melded three Amy said to Troy, i'll hold up the sky for as long as you want me to. all i wanted to do then was peel off my skin and walk away, bodiless. naked. beating heart and churning spirit visible to everyone's amusement. anything at all but this personal intrusion. he gave her a single caress on the cheek and replied my stupid girl.these days i cannot stand couples. i used to regard them with pointed indifference. now all i feel is grudging envy and contempt. it is difficult when i don't want to be that way with anybody right now. i just want to be that way. do you understand Rudy? do you understand Fir? i am too self absorbed to come close to the things that you demand of me. i am mad from this blend of self loathing and narcissism..i love Fir only when he's not there. and as for Rudy, i only love his ridiculously soft baby hair..!
Posted by NHJ 3/25/2007 07:59:00 am
Thursday, March 15, 2007
space night with space girls.
i don't know how it happened.
there was a tiny pulse of a headache which for some reason triggered off a tidal wave of suppressed feelings. it may be something she said.
the rest was a blur. the only real thing then was this weight pressing down and the loose cold fingers holding mine. i remember the walking. there was too much walking and the world was spinning too quickly. i could barely keep up with the treadmill. the only thing i remember thinking, she has an exam tomorrow, she has an exam tomorrow, she has an exam tomorrow. wake up. be ok. be ok.
red lights. smoke. there was a deafening sound of traffic at some point of time but it disappeared in a minute. i think i may have fallen asleep and for some reason waking up feeling embarrassed. did i say or do something stupid?
there were also two guys watching us. were they watching me or her? she mumbled something right then in a maternal tone. they were watching me. i didn't believe her. stairs. clip clop. humming escalators. the cold fingers loosened. i felt this overwhelming fear that she would fall back and push me into the tracks.
she did not.
guilt. of course she did not. oh God no, the blackness at the back of my throat was starting to well and spill. no. not with so many people around. not with J watching. pathetic. sticks. i needed tobacco sticks so everything inside of me would evaporate into strawberry smoke. no. just hide your face for a while. ok. ok. you're fine.
walking. beeping. i felt her eyes on me briefly. she has an exam tomorrow. i gestured for my belongings. then she was beside me. she has an exam tomorrow. go. i told her to go. her voice was nervous and unsure when she told me to call her. she went.
howling. the endless howling of the train and the piercing beeps in between. it was so cold. i hope the old lady beside me didn't mind my head on her shoulder. her warm flesh and bone kept me conscious.
more howling. strange men and women watching discriminately. strange children out in odd hours, sucking their thumbs. walking. more walking.
the hysterical voices of the space girls penetrated the drunken fog. i felt hands on me demanding to know what happened. the blackness. oh no. not now. it poured out in heaves. she has an exam tomorrow. the voices got louder. who, they screamed. how. what. give us a name. i gave them one. someone fumbled my pockets. click click.
someone put her arms around me. she whispered in Malay that's enough. it's ok. she started talking for a long time. her voice soothed me. the fabric of her sweater felt right. i started to forget. she mentioned a name. someone who's Down Under. i pushed her away.
shh. she said. i felt indignant and stupid. but she came back swiftly and wrapped me like a wind. we'll talk of something else. endless walking. laughter. forgetting.
warm sheets. hushed voices. talking. talking all through the night. my clothes pulled off. water. lovely water on parched throat. i slept tangled in sweater clad bodies, still deep in conversation.
Posted by NHJ 3/15/2007 07:53:00 am
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Firdaus
he is the Godzilla to my Tokyo.
'nuff said.
Posted by NHJ 3/14/2007 12:15:00 pm
Friday, March 02, 2007
Hasini
she smiles endlessly.
Okri said, only the mad, the stupid or the chronically insecure smile that way. she is rather mad but i don't think that is it. the latter two are out of question as she is an evil genius who enjoys mental torture and is beetiful as they come. i think it must be because she is sweet and cannot help herself. ok, i suppose that means it is because she's mad.
Posted by NHJ 3/02/2007 10:29:00 pm