Alien Landscape

a teleconversation with Siti (Roslinda) always leaves my mind reeling with inferiority and deep confusion. she says the most obscure things and manage to somehow remain so sweet and innocent that it is close to impossible to let my burning jealousy of her wit and wisdom turn into resentment.

i have come to realise how bitter and indifferent i am towards writers who are in any way better than me, and those people probably make up 99.9% of the writing community.

often i am disgusted at myself. repelled at my inability to perform to my fullest potential. i go into childish tantrums that leave precious red notebooks in tatters and sketches of mind creatures end up crumpled and wet from being manhandled and spat at. there are nights where i sit up and lie myself to sleep, poisoning my head with dangerous fabrications that will leave me high with impossible dreams in the morning.

then a sweet girl like Siti comes along and innocently points out all the ugly aspects of my chosen solitude and undisciplined writing, with an unmistakable smile in her voice and a slight malice to her tones. it makes me tick and crumble and die.

yet i still revel in having friends such as her who makes it a point to pound me down to size and beat down my stupid stupid narcisissm.

i think i understand when a friend of mine refused resolutely to reject a certain companion for fear of loneliness. being alone means being with yourself. and there is no person worst being with other than with the you that you have kept hidden for so long. God knows what kind of unworthy bestial excuse of a person lurks beneath all those layers of insecurity and fear.
Posted by NHJ 1/15/2006 07:12:00 pm

Sunday, January 15, 2006