Alien Landscape

Matin.

Matin was in my dream last night not as the tall, fair and handsome man he is today, but the lanky, pale and geeky boy he was when i knew him. he appeared when everyone saw who i truly am and promptly left. even Firdaus. there was only Matin.

i pleaded to be taken home and he pulled me out of the ground, made of fake, hot snow. then he ran. swift and timidly, dragging me before him on the streets of the city.
the sun never rose again. the world was lit up by streetlights and the glowing eyes of sad vehicles. everyone was without a face.

while trying in vain to board a striped white train, we bumped into Seasky, absent of her beauty. she was in black and her cold gaze held no life. i turned away in tears as she brushed past. i felt her achingly. her name turned to black satine as it binded around my face and choked me in darkness. i called her by her real name. Susan. Susan Lee. Tuesdays. Tuesdays and Susan. what of today? why, Susan of course. always Susan. never Susan.

Matin tugged me away and saved me from my insane infatuations with mythical people. men and ladies swept by. we leapt over a maw where Tuesday used to be. my eyes were locked on Matin's face. Matin whom i have grown to love in a dream.
Amie, have i become the very thing you warned me of? a dreamer caged in her dream. a storyteller strangled by her intricate stories. why aren't you here with me then, Amie? why Matin? Matin. why Matin. why do i feel like i love him so much, as i would a brother and a friend? this feeling familiar. i wanted to embrace him but knew it was a deep wrong. Matin. Wahyu Hidayat's best friend, next to Fadilah and me. Wahyu's hatred burns.

Matin, his resemblance to Khairul beginning to chew me from the inside, stayed loyal by my side even though i sensed his heart far far away within the unbreakable clutches of a weeping girl. i tried pushing away the buried memory of Khai and his existence that pulled me down like a lie.

my hand gripped Matin's desperately and the feel of his damp, white hand felt too real. his cold fingers with its pink nails. his pale thin face was a comfort beyond words. i tried my hardest not to replace his tired, faithful face with the curls, specs and fair skin of Khai's. Khairul Khairul.

in the end, the world caught up and a couple of boys caught hold of Matin and started to pummel him. his hand was wrenched out of mine and he reached out pleadingly towards me but i cried and turned away to run. i was alone. Matin-less. Susan Lee's face branded evilly in my heart and a big Nothing grew where Matin and Firdaus were.

and the dream went on just like all my other nightmares. with running. running running. endlessly running. Matin. why am i running away from Matin?
Posted by NHJ 1/17/2006 09:52:00 am

Tuesday, January 17, 2006