Alien Landscape

dear Amie,

I dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter-set heart
With heat to melt these frozen tears burned with reasons as to carry on

everything is still suspended in tedium since you left. these days the only friends i have are Fernando Pessoa's sad book character and Bright Eyes occasionally. there are colourful ghosts hovering around and i think i fall in love too often with the things in my head. i would stand at that very high place (remember our very high place?) and watch traffic whirr by and tell myself that i am a star, and that they are just writhing intestines of earth. you told me that people like us, we pay for our fun and reign with tears. this time you're wrong. your tears are starshine on my cheeks.

lie to me and say, lie to me and say

it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright
it's gonna be alright.

if it weren't for how much mere breathing depends on him, i would have left him there and then. you know him. the pop poet. the boy everyone loves but don't want. i'm tired of walking and seeing his face in every footprint. i'm tired of his encompassing, simple love. one day i might just kill him by knitting so many complexities around his faerie child-heart.

only you would understand the magnitude of having to love something so earthly. something outside of mind. something that is not the product of you mind's cautious, loving caress.

But now I'm confused.
Is this death really you?
Do these dreams have any meaning?
No. No, I think it's more like a ghost
that's been following us both.
Something vague that we're not seeing,
something more like a feeling.

LOVE CLENCHES ME LIKE AN ORANGE. the sweetness, the bitter shell, the ugly pulp, the hopeful bright colour, the.. the.. roundness. the treadmill effect of my efforts. i get nowhere, man. i.. i haven't cried for so long. i should, you know? with the way i am feeling and the state of everything. i need to cry and not wish for someone to be there to see me cry. he.. he doesn't understand. like an orange, Amie. like an orange.

I thought about my true love

The one I really need

With eyes that burn so bright they make me pure

They make me pure

I long to be with you

They make me pure

I long to be with you

at this point we gather our composure, Amie. we sleep we get up and we smile at the world who don't love us back. you cry and i stopped knowing how to. it's just. i can't find the exit anymore, Amie. chocolate stimulates my senses but grief no longer does. my face freezes and inside is a big bang. and when this happens i can't find the exit! i looked and looked and hid cos maybe it would find me. but in the corner, it is so dark. and i looked for her... i really did... when i couldn't find her i just thought it'll be better not to come out anymore. i.. i hate you.

But no matter what I would do in an attempt to replace
All these pills that I take, trying to balance my brain
See the curious girl with that look on her face
So surprised she stares out from her display case

he is a pony, small and mocked. she is a blade of grass. and i. i am desperate. i am so desperate to be... to be... something. i am so desperate to be. and you... you treat me like a patient. one of your mice in your mind mazes. but at least i am something then. a little mouse in your brain. as we've agreed before, we, people like us, cannot adjust to a life like this. you, being all Omniscient playing around with a lost little mouse you decided to keep in your head. so yes. i am desperate. so... please take me somewhere and lie to me. please? please...?

The desperate are water
They'll run down forever
And soak into silence
And end up together
In a dark and distant, dark and distant place

pen a reply. i dare you. i dare you all. pen me a reply. you'll all just keep lying and lying. YOU COWARDS. c'mon. tell me just one of your burning truths. seeing you burn into ashes is much more enviable than seeing you glow with your fluorescent lies. YOU HATEFUL BELLIGERENT INGRATES.

You are free! You are free! You are free...zing.

Posted by NHJ 10/14/2005 12:16:00 pm

Friday, October 14, 2005