Alien Landscape

without belief.

Cause I am like a big strong cable
I am a girl so soft inside
Finally today I'm able
To put you in the ground
I'll meet you in the ground

The mirror fell and I
I may as well have been blind
The days passing like cars
I'll meet you in the tower
If they can dream then why
Oh why can't I?

-Ours-

as that mad bomber from Speed wisely cackled while clutching a money bag and a bomb strapped woman, poor people are crazy, Jack. i'm eccentric. indeed. indeed.

the things i like about indie and dark alternative are the stories they tell. there was one song by The Arcade Fire which told a story about how it snowed and covered the whole neighbourhood to the roofs. and how this boy dug a tunnel to this girl's room and how they dug to the top of the snow and ran on the meadow that grew there whilst the world was buried beneath. that was kind of pretty. then there was another by A Perfect Circle about a father singing a dark lullaby to his son in a battered lonely hut in the midst of a war. that song always makes me feel so lost.

i have bittersweet feelings for Mr. Neil Gaiman. there is one line that i particularly liked cited by the beautiful succubus, Leah. she wondered simply and morosely, why do they want to know your name if they're only going to tell you not to be yourself? why indeed, dear Leah? at times like these i admire cats.
someone asked one: what is your name?
the cat answered: cats don't need names .

why do we need names anyway? wouldn't the world feel much closer when no one has names? or maybe your world would feel further as it blends into a sea of nameless individuals. it depends on one's perspective. personally, i feel that the world is such an ironic place. i mean to have a city of thousands or even millions and each person is trying their hardest to avoid another. a smile is suspicious and even frightening. an admiring gaze considered demented or perverted. for people in such close quarters, we have build such great spaces between ourselves.

i do try. sometimes i do try to talk to these strangers and remind them that i am human too. that i cry and bleed and laugh. my tears are salty and my heart is red as theirs regardless of my skin colour and what i wear. call me a romantic but sometimes i feel so much love for humankind. so much affection for people i sit beside in the train. so what if i don't know their names? i have seen their eyes and at times i recognise their sadness and humour and joy. at times i recognise their need to share these emotion without acknowledging it.

what is the cause of their fear? it stems from pain obviously. but have they even felt that pain or is it some fable told by wounded friends and family?

and since we're asking questions. what is freedom? no really. what is freedom? i was sighing in envy when Leah was freed from her bonds. i longed to demand how it feels like to be free. am i free? is this how it feels like? is uncertainty part of it? the orgasmic pleasure of an answer perhaps? because it is rather orgasmic in a way. i am not suggesting i have ever had an orgasm however. unless in a literary way. let's just say my G-spot is a brilliant one-liner from an endless book. ok. discussion getting a tad sexual.

truth be told, i am sad right now and that fear, that fable told by the wounded, has kept me from confiding and sharing. once before, i told Fir that i did not want to share pain because i did not want to be selfish. pain is much better kept in one person rather than two or three. that it was my responsibillity not to spread it. a lady for herself. but in my heroic juvenile foolishness, i forgot that sometimes divided pain is stretched so thin, it completely disappears.

i am sad. this is where my sadness speaks. not to Fir or Jenni or Hasini or even to myself and the mythical beauties of Alien Landscape. just here. once. and that will be the end of it. not a loud shout or a literal journal entry. only words that reflect my sadness like scattered water on mud. why?

because i am afraid. like you. like them. perhaps one day when i find one nameless soul who returns my smile without fear, a proud sister or brother, only then perhaps i might disbelieve what you told me of pain. what you showed me of pain. sister. brother.

Posted by NHJ 9/13/2005 11:34:00 pm

Tuesday, September 13, 2005