Alien Landscape

the thing about him.

Fadilah was a girl he loved. there was something primal yet gentle about the both of them. he never told me what she was like but he told a great deal about all the things they did together and how he felt for her. there was even a blood pact between them; a blood ceremony where they clasp their bleeding palms and swore the Blood Oath. i still have it in mind, word for word.
it goes,

My life for your life
My death for your life
My life for your death
My death for your death

i won't describe the whole ceremony because the truth is, the unnecessary darkness in their love and souls saddens and frightens me. he explained the meaning of the oath. the first sentence means my life will be happy as long as you are living here with me. the second means, i am willing to die for you. the third means, if i can't prevent your death, i will avenge you. lastly, a part of me dies with you when you die.

even though i never liked the darkness of their relationship and even more now that i am older, when i begin to see the foolishness of their blood ceremony, still i have always admired their intensity, their loyalty, their honesty. i admired Fadilah, the girl who brought so much light into his life. this boy whose blood is not as red as his heart and whose hatred for humanity runs deep. but deeper still was his love for Fadilah. then she passed away. life is cruel. especially to him, it seemed.

inside, he is so much like me. we were twin souls, i've always thought, even though i did not show it much because of my fear for his powerful arrogance. when he revealed to me the darkness of his part and thus sealed our friendship, i remembered feeling honoured and so happy. my first friend. my very first friend. even though i still felt threatened by how he was pulling me along into his darkness but i was determined to change him. i did not want to be his dark equal like Fadilah. i wanted to make him see the beauty i discovered of the world and the sadness of humanity. unlike Fadilah, i did not want to build a dome between us and the world.

he was good to me. he was willing to use his fists to battle for me and with him, i felt vulnerable of his feral nature but at the same time comforted by the strength of his repelling aloofness. i think both of us knew there was never romantic love. just friendship and a sibling bond. he told me many dark things while i struggled to defend the world. yet he remained my teacher and a wiser older brother.

then came Firdaus whom i fell in love with. my dark brother offered plenty of advice when it came to Firdaus, every single one based on one thing that is sacred to him; honour. i heeded his advice. i braved the possibility of loss of dignity and i told Firdaus how i felt. and as the saying goes, we live happily after. but not for my dark brother. he was going to lose another girl he struggled to trust because of Firdaus' jealousy.

after several quarrels regarding him, Firdaus gave me an ultimatum. him or this friend i know most of my life. i care for my brother deeply and his trust and friendship is priceless and precious to me. but i love Firdaus more. Firdaus made me cut all ties with him. my first and best friend since i was nine. what hurt me more than losing him is how Firdaus never once showed that he appreciated my sacrifice. never once asked me if i was ok. he referred to him as 'the person i don't like' and make it as if he is a demon. never once did he try help me out of the pain of my loss. and til now he doesn't know i still hurt.

Hidayat of course was devastated and furious. then he got pleading. he offered his body to be battered by Firdaus in hopes it could cool his jealousy but Fir is not a violent person. he is not wise in love. he cares only that i have only him. i never got him to understand the nature of my friendship with Hidayat. that it only consisted of emails and letters once in a month or so, such that it can never endanger our relationship. he never understood that we were siblings, not lovers. he only saw male competition and everything else was irrelevant.

Hidayat got into some unknown trouble a few weeks after our seperation and asked me for help. but i ignored him. i shunned him. and i am still haunted by his reaction. his hatred. how suddenly i am part of humanity which he hates so much. how suddenly i became a friend-deserter, a betrayer. whatever he taught me of honour, dashed and meaningless. there is pain that still hasn't diminished since he left and will never get any better. i will have to learn to accept it because i do not want to hurt Firdaus and even if i wanted to, Hidayat's hatred will never again let me past.

now he found a girl who learned to love him which surprised me a great deal because one can only learn to love Hidayat when he lets his guard down and he never does, even with me and Fadilah but Fadilah and i were different. Fadilah's love was as dark as his while i was simply the younger sister he cared for because i was as lonely as him. but Mariam Farhanah seemed a sweet girl with a pure heart. the type who would go for the 'clean and good guys'. i think Hidayat finally discovered the beauty of humanity and he saw it in Mariam Farhanah. the last i heard, they have made early plans of marriage and hajj. and also that i am the most unwelcome person in their future wedding.

so that is the story. i needed to write. this is where my sadness speaks. this is where my secrets dance. this time, it is a secret that is bold and bare unlike my other recorded secrets which dance and confuse, veiled by poetry.
Posted by NHJ 9/27/2005 07:07:00 pm

Tuesday, September 27, 2005