Alien Landscape

thank you for helping to make me.

i stood there apart from her while she does her endless chores and tried to feel her as i moved my shadow to overlap hers. i wanted to know this woman. how someone so beautiful bloomed from a young cold seed, who in her wedding pictures look like the Snow Queen with a white gown and a face that was fairest of the fair. i could not see any resemblance.

even when i raised my hand so my shadow penetrated her heart and stayed there, i felt only my own pain. does my mother feel my pain? what should i say? i want to feel you, ma. but i'm scared.
sometimes i get stupid thoughts. i would muse, if you knew me and you aren't my mother, you wouldn't love me right? you love me this painfully hard way because you helped make me. i am part of you. that is why you love me, right ma? the only reason why i'm special is because i am part of you, right ma? you wouldn't love this bestial uncertainty if she wasn't your daughter. ma, i am glad you helped make me. i don't know what i'd do without your love.
taunting thoughts like that. when these thoughts come, i wish i could slap the scared child within me to shut her up. i don't like to be reminded of how undeserving i am. then i would just want to leave my mother because if she sees the person i am, she would still love me and that is grand. grand but sad.

i have a renewed ache for orphans. what is the anguish that is that of a motherless child? how does it live without the certainty of a mother's love? where does it find a love on par to what a mother can give?

my mother does not look as cold and lean and fair as her wedding pictures now. but she is still beautiful. she still looks like a Snow Queen. and she loves me. me. so much that it makes me cry.
Posted by NHJ 9/14/2005 10:49:00 am

Wednesday, September 14, 2005