Alien Landscape

my cousin, MRH. a boy she loved recently died from HIV. a tattooed sweetheart who slept around but never touched her. apparently he loved her. i wish i could hold her hand and cry with her even though i seem to be incapable of crying anymore. tell her about Khai perhaps. what can that do? what can anyone do?

i hate this. i hate being helpless. i was probably laughing the moment Khai passed. i was probably happy with Fir when Hidayat tore himself from my life while half-drowned in his darkness. i did not cry with Khai. i did not ask Hidayat to stay. i never wanted any of them to go. what could i do?

i struggled while trying to help Hasini with her sadness. i wanted so bad to say the right things, to show her life as she could not see it, to tell her in words i could never really conjure that she is more than who she thinks she is. i just wanted her to be ok. i failed again. again and again. it hurts to know she is sad. every time.

and now i have a cousin i have always loved quietly, admired quietly, wanted to talk to badly, whose love died. no matter how wise Amirah is, no matter how matured, a 15 year old must never know love and death that way. i wanted to embrace her and tell her i love her and that i would have my heart broken along with hers to accompany her in her pain. but what good would that do? what bloody good would that do? from what i could assume, she would scoff at my love and declared that i will never know. perhaps. i do not know. i will never. so what can i do for you, Amirah? nothing.

so what if i love these people? love has no power. i have nothing. i watch as people i care about bleed. so what if i crumble inside? so what?
Posted by NHJ 9/17/2005 08:11:00 pm

Saturday, September 17, 2005