Alien Landscape

hermit and wanderer

as a child i dreamt of a hermit who is wise and kind; disconnected from all of the world, yet one with everything.
i dreamt of a wanderer who flows through souls like a miracle yet being as intangible as a ghost. yes, i had grand dreams of love.
i had no fairytale dreams of a loud mouthed knight with an equally loud armour. i am selfish and possessive that way. there is still a big indecision about my narcisissm and self loathing. what i know is that both are responsible for putting me in such a high and faraway place.

i am one who believes that only from a high pedestal one can witness everything of a lover's life and heart, even though i know how wrong i am. even though i know the hermit would embrace me and look me in the eyes as an equal, then wipe away my tears without a word. even though i know the wanderer would climb up any pedestal any man erected beneath me, slip quietly into my soul and take me away into the reality of broken dreams and great hope. yet obstinately, i stayed on my spot, safe from the world. foolish little liar. yes i know very well that up here is where it hurts most because when people dream, theirs soar and the abrasion reduces me to the lump of earth i originated from.

i stay because he put me there. my doting fool of a king. i do not understand his kind who abandons thrones upon thrones just to love and be human. did he put me up here to shield me from the truths of his ugly world? i will have to slap myself. how dare i call it ugly. she who blinds herself with folds of clouds and deafens herself with awesome cries of thunder.

i want to get down. the climb is too tiring, the fall is too deadly. the heart is well trapped under lock and key to design any bold escapades. the brat from the past would throw a tantrum. foolish child that i was, never knew that the hand that writes my destiny is distracted or just unconscious. this here, not speaking of the Divine but of my own hand.

Firdaus, i cannot love one such as you. the envy would murder me like a stab in the back. but i must. because i already have. and there is nothing i can do about it. so while you juggle your collection of hearts, try not to drop mine.
Posted by NHJ 7/19/2005 07:08:00 pm

Tuesday, July 19, 2005