ALIEN LANDSCAPE
Author : NHJ
MSN: crescent_cage@hotmail.com
email : spherickey@gmail.com
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MRH
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echoncyllan
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One Million Footnotes
Read My Poetry.
Playing:
Between the Bars (Elliott Smith Cover) by Metric
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Anna
there are too many driftwood in my head; the splinters are giving me a migraine which i can't feel, but there is this constriction in my chest. i gave two of my Bright Eyes album to Fir for a month. there. do you see now how much i love you, little man? now i cannot even cheat out of misery with Connor crooning his hoarse hormonal voice into my ears.
there was tanned chinese woman in her forties who sat beside me on the train. she had eyes of brown glass which was shielding a tired wisdom beneath. she spoke to me out of nowhere. i was not surprised but pleased immensely because train rides are lonely and the chinese girls and women and men all wear hostile looks on their yellow faces. i am thankful towards her even if her words were as simple as a single ant. they were just as mighty and heavy in a certain perspective. we exchanged in total about four or so sentences with comfortable silences in between. i got off at my stop after saying a soft bye to her of which she returned with kind 'bye bye' followed by a wise and sad smile.
i wish i have an album of all these strangers who would talk to me out of the blue like they have an unconscious tugging symphaty for my island existence which propelled them to sudden interaction out of the untapped kindness of their hearts. i wish i can at least remember their faces.
Posted by NHJ 7/28/2005 07:02:00 pm
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
kisses and little cars
what a lazy soft and tumbly day today has been! floating among rain-smelling pillows, reading books and wearing smiles.
i saw a gorgeousblue and red truck. it reminded me of my first lip kiss which was with a girl! it was nothing romantic. we were just a couple of girls in early teens who were dying to know how it is like to be kissed so we randomly paired up and gave our partners a hasty kiss on the lips. it was a moment full of laughter and innocence. what was it like? like tasteless strawberries and fragrant skies. like a bump to the forehead and a blink of an eye. it was just like that. brief, unexpected and soft. my partner's lips were swollen the next day. i remember being undecided whether to feel insulted or insanely flattered [to have such an impactful kiss]. oh lovely days.
i took many pictures of these two girls shoving each other on their way home. it was kind of sweet. my last one of them was of them running away together. [at home, i giggled at the photos. they didn't see me! hee hee!] it is so rare that i feel girlish.
then i played blocks and cars with little Syahmi. then we munched on vege popiahs and chatted about masked rider Riyuki. i treasure these moments when i get to play and chat with a fellow kid. Syahmi's such a sweet one but he gets this berserker rage when he's hyped up or angry. i was once in his path and was thrashed impressively (with bruises). that kid's barely taller than my hip and so light i can lift him with an arm. yet his spirit is like the sea.
when i have a son one day, his spirit will be like the sky. feral, peaceful, wise.
Posted by NHJ 7/26/2005 07:40:00 pm
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
hermit and wanderer
as a child i dreamt of a hermit who is wise and kind; disconnected from all of the world, yet one with everything.
i dreamt of a wanderer who flows through souls like a miracle yet being as intangible as a ghost. yes, i had grand dreams of love.
i had no fairytale dreams of a loud mouthed knight with an equally loud armour. i am selfish and possessive that way. there is still a big indecision about my narcisissm and self loathing. what i know is that both are responsible for putting me in such a high and faraway place.
i am one who believes that only from a high pedestal one can witness everything of a lover's life and heart, even though i know how wrong i am. even though i know the hermit would embrace me and look me in the eyes as an equal, then wipe away my tears without a word. even though i know the wanderer would climb up any pedestal any man erected beneath me, slip quietly into my soul and take me away into the reality of broken dreams and great hope. yet obstinately, i stayed on my spot, safe from the world. foolish little liar. yes i know very well that up here is where it hurts most because when people dream, theirs soar and the abrasion reduces me to the lump of earth i originated from.
i stay because he put me there. my doting fool of a king. i do not understand his kind who abandons thrones upon thrones just to love and be human. did he put me up here to shield me from the truths of his ugly world? i will have to slap myself. how dare i call it ugly. she who blinds herself with folds of clouds and deafens herself with awesome cries of thunder.
i want to get down. the climb is too tiring, the fall is too deadly. the heart is well trapped under lock and key to design any bold escapades. the brat from the past would throw a tantrum. foolish child that i was, never knew that the hand that writes my destiny is distracted or just unconscious. this here, not speaking of the Divine but of my own hand.
Firdaus, i cannot love one such as you. the envy would murder me like a stab in the back. but i must. because i already have. and there is nothing i can do about it. so while you juggle your collection of hearts, try not to drop mine.
Posted by NHJ 7/19/2005 07:08:00 pm
"Yavin declared with a wavering but grand, kingly voice from atop a tower: I do not fear anything. I am human!"
-sigh- yes boy, we all are. we are all kings and that is why everything is so wrong.
Posted by NHJ 7/19/2005 06:38:00 pm
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
i have been reading the writes of social outcasts like me. apparently we speak of different things yet in the same distinct mumbling language.
Posted by NHJ 7/12/2005 10:05:00 pm
Friday, July 01, 2005
the incessant drilling has become normalcy like an accelerated ticking of a clock. it grinds and leaves shapeless debris all over the room. it makes my eyes water. i tell her, no dammit! i'm not crying! i don't cry!. she just rolls her eyes, curls into a ball and melts back inside of me.
i imagine she watches me through a television screen as i quake from the violent ticking, the rape of time. so i tell her, oy. the ticking. it will soon reach you, do you know? this is one thing you run away from by hiding inside of me. it'll get to you, i promise you.
she just smiles, gets up and starts dancing to the chatter of my teeth. a crazed dance of desperate mockery.
oy. i utter through the clatter of my teeth. stop it. you're starting to feel more rapid than the clock's second hand. and it don't get any faster than that.
with eerie suddenness and compliance, she stops and smiles.
you retard! you've been chewing on my watch again haven't you?! i exclaim, staring in horror at her bleeding gums, decorated with shards of glass.
so here it is on my wrist. the cracked watch. look out for it if you see me. try to get me to let you get a whiff of it. it smells of the desert sand and the sweet stench of female sweat. it's her alright. that self-appointed hourglass lifeguard. she thinks Time is her own private swimming pool. she crunches its sand in her mouth like cereal. it's appalling.
Posted by NHJ 7/01/2005 09:10:00 pm
puckered lips and rain funnels.
in between skips, i dodged empty slices of air while travelling between buildings. it was the flickering worry of a falling body. a pretty paranoia painted into the winking colours of static mattresses of thick, dismal air.
i was feeling small yet angry. somewhat like a pea under mattresses of dismay disappointment depression decay. a constant annoyance to them who sleep above. them who knit and weave their sadness into pretension and pride, making soft beds on which they slumber in denial.
their spilling dreams and horrors then made me realise i was wrong about myself because of the injustice i did to the world.
for they felt me as i stared in disquieting menace, anxious to show them the triviality of their lives.
in alarming unison, they snapped their necks to glare back twistedly in glassy deflection like stained windows so my composure crumbled and my mouth stretched into an infantile wail. even then trying to hide, trying to blend my sobs into a passing wind, i continued weeping. even as the innocent blue of the sky disintegrated my cheeks to leave nothing but hollows and upturned eyes.
then i saw a girl poised childishly with puckered lips aimed skywards. i called out to her hoarsely, momentarily forgetting my sky-scalded deformity. yet she stood oblivious, determined yet animated as an oil painting. a stark contrast of 'The Scream', you could say.
i did not hesitate to attempt to paint the encompassing grandeur of a girl kissing the infinities.
i waited.
days went by til a jerk of resurrected motion. the young girl giggled through a pale hand and promptly walked away unscathed.
my face now in wraps of silky, pleasing pretension, i threw a cautious glance at the sky. it looked abashed, blushing grey, swelling in heavy moisture.
then came the storm.
on my knees in the rain, i discreetly mold my face back into shape while singing softly an ode to the little girl who kissed a lifetime into a second.
Posted by NHJ 7/01/2005 12:19:00 pm