Alien Landscape

the lurkers

they lurk. they still lurk at corners and pounce to break me into dirt-brown shards at the slightest falter. then they would melt back into the walls of my conscience and cling to it like decay.
i question myself all the time; are they a result of weakness of mind or the manifestation of somekind of potential evil within or merely a lapse of sanity?
God help me, i doubt i can withstand another bout of attacks without minor seizures or a complete shutdown of consciousness because of the wicked things they gleefully composed and manipulated inside my mind. i cannot take these voices and these wayward thoughts and i tremble at the possibility that i might be infected for the rest of my existence!
they gnaw. jeer. they carress my guilt and embrace it like a pet and i feel it! an evil constriction beneath my ribs. i have fought and restrained and even forced painful numbness to retrieve at least a mere closeness to innocence and purity but they eased me back painfully into a black cradle.

i have to pray harder. only God can help me. i cannot stray too far away from Him lest i get sucked back into that maggot quicksand. i am very frightened... and i dare not even put in words the real concern of these lurkers...

be warned, those who hunger for solace. there are good reasons why we're among each other.
*
even seeking comfort feels like blasphemy. most times when i feel happiness, there is a clawing pain that follows like somekind of payment for what i felt. it worsens because i know i deserve it.

i'm not a child, no i am much younger than that.
Posted by NHJ 6/03/2005 01:01:00 am

Friday, June 03, 2005