Alien Landscape

i dreamt of W last night. in the second part of the dream i was in a movie theatre with friends and i saw him in a white shirt. i went pass him without even a glance, just like i was taught to do. he saw me and taunted me. proud yet decidedly hurt. he said 'Fine, Black Shadow. Forsake me. Leave me.'
[sidetrack: Black Shadow was my codename with him when we were younger. His was Dark Loner.]
it hurts til now. why was i ever presented with a choice between a spirit-kin and a soul-mate.
the fact that he still looks out for me doesn't help much. yes W, i would do the same thing for you but i know how much it takes for you to do it. especially with your hard earned pride.
i just needed to say this again; i really am sorry Revealer for ever entering your life like a brief flicker of hope considering how much it has hurt both of us.
i wanted to say this in 'tidings beneath the dam'. i still do care for you, Revealer. as a comrade, sister and friend.
i was wrong. Sturm wouldn't have been proud of me.
the dream i had just compelled me to say these things. i desperately need to expel all the guilt.
no, talking to W like as if he will ever be reading this does not help at all.

the first part of the dream upsetted me equally. i was walking with friends and somehow there was an argument about something and one of them turned and shouted in my face which went something like "face it you idiot, Kye's gone!" with such ferocity and despise, i actually felt like facing the truth somehow. i staggered behind and just wept. one of them stayed behind and tried to make me feel better for she knew what Kye was to me. i ran away.
who was Kye! did he even exist? was he Michael, Ferry, Pikablue and she? was i that screwed up and totally sick that i manifested a whole personality into being and killed it? but he is real! i cried when he died. surely that must mean something. i cannot, i simply cannot stop to think of it as some schizophrenic fantasy to make up for my loneliness and my implied ugliness back then. i hate it that that dream forced me to consider it that way.
a memory. yes. he is a memory. that is all he is.
leave me voices. i don't want to go as far as to leaving my planet because of you. stop tampering with my memories and questioning their solidity.

in the train just now, she fought to get out and talk to me. i clamped my mouth shut and denied her of speaking through my mouth in front of over thirty judgemental drones. she didn't give up and spoke in my mind instead. the ever soothing words of 'what is the matter, Cyllan, what is wrong now?'. i was afraid i will start depending on her again so i didn't answer her. but my feelings did. they swirled and told tales and i couldn't stop them.
Posted by NHJ 2/16/2005 09:17:00 am

Wednesday, February 16, 2005