ALIEN LANDSCAPE
Author : NHJ
MSN: crescent_cage@hotmail.com
email : spherickey@gmail.com
Other Blogsites
MRH
Yeoks
Airina
Iskandar
PostSecret
echoncyllan
Before Gargoyle
One Million Footnotes
Read My Poetry.
Playing:
Between the Bars (Elliott Smith Cover) by Metric
Friday, February 25, 2005
mr. mime, it's not funny.
i sat beside an indian woman today. her scent wafted into me like sweet tendrils of dream clouds. i love the smell of the indians -eastern indian-. like the smell of bare skin grazing soft soil. of forgotten flowers and oil that gushes out like a waterfall from between a giant's yellow teeth.
it took me back to yesterday's completely contrasting smells. a chinese man was beside me smelling like fresh hot urine. it served as a smelling salt as i tried to slip into a different state of consciousness. one that allows me to sit on a hill with my knees drawn up, watching Kirpal Singh and Hana hold hands like two continents colliding, smashing and all that are left are seeds and debris falling slowly like snowflakes. i hate nations.
everytime i tried to pull away, the man's smell dug deep into my nose and tugged my mind back.
like an ignorant mime who doesn't fully comprehend what he's pulling or pushing at. it was frustrating. which one of us is blind i wonder.
Posted by NHJ 2/25/2005 06:51:00 pm
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Satyra
when the landscape sprouts thick jungles, miles of plains and when deadly archers, kissing zombies, 12 feet tall monsters and the fast depleting group of heroes start materialising from another plane of thought, i like to bring people in.
the latest is Satyra (not long before her, Fre] someone from school. she is an awesome addition. it's been a while since i get to bring anyone in. it's because of the strict membership i guess. only few people tend to come alive in the landscape and most of them are girls. people i feel for. those whom i think rank among the most beautiful on earth.
days before her class today, we journeyed far across the landscape and into each other. she knew me for what i am and i knew her for the person she refused to see. we ran through forests, conversed with elves and warrows and giants, fought red eyed mammoths, fell off cliffs, shared thousands of fires and stories, learned awful lessons and rub shoulders with legendary heroes who walk earth as just about anyone; mailman, beggar, cleaner, soldier, tramp. it was amazing. we had so much fun and learned so many things. she even fell in love. [with one of the gentlest of the Wild Folk, Warryn] weird match i must say.
so it near well cracked my heart and bit a puncture in my soul when she didn't even spare a glance at me when i strutted nonchalantly into class today late. i slumped into my seat and looked at my hand which was wounded only a few hours ago, trying to stop an arrow that was aiming for her. she bandaged it herself.
my hand was perfectly unscarred. a little sweaty maybe but unharmed.
i forget all the time. the body forgets. she forgets. time continues to drip.
she barely recognised me. or anyone around her. that is why i'm so intrigued by her. she travels through the Gates like i do. i wonder if she knows. and she's as beautiful as she is far.
stubornly i kept my eyes away from her and gave her a defiant gaze whenever her eyes fell on me. but i have a feeling. somehow she just knows.
i watched her walk briskly out of class with the grace of an archer [which is what she is in the landscape] and cleared my things. i guess i'll see you later Satyra.
Posted by NHJ 2/17/2005 07:04:00 pm
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
i dreamt of W last night. in the second part of the dream i was in a movie theatre with friends and i saw him in a white shirt. i went pass him without even a glance, just like i was taught to do. he saw me and taunted me. proud yet decidedly hurt. he said 'Fine, Black Shadow. Forsake me. Leave me.'
[sidetrack: Black Shadow was my codename with him when we were younger. His was Dark Loner.]
it hurts til now. why was i ever presented with a choice between a spirit-kin and a soul-mate.
the fact that he still looks out for me doesn't help much. yes W, i would do the same thing for you but i know how much it takes for you to do it. especially with your hard earned pride.
i just needed to say this again; i really am sorry Revealer for ever entering your life like a brief flicker of hope considering how much it has hurt both of us.
i wanted to say this in 'tidings beneath the dam'. i still do care for you, Revealer. as a comrade, sister and friend.
i was wrong. Sturm wouldn't have been proud of me.
the dream i had just compelled me to say these things. i desperately need to expel all the guilt.
no, talking to W like as if he will ever be reading this does not help at all.
the first part of the dream upsetted me equally. i was walking with friends and somehow there was an argument about something and one of them turned and shouted in my face which went something like "face it you idiot, Kye's gone!" with such ferocity and despise, i actually felt like facing the truth somehow. i staggered behind and just wept. one of them stayed behind and tried to make me feel better for she knew what Kye was to me. i ran away.
who was Kye! did he even exist? was he Michael, Ferry, Pikablue and she? was i that screwed up and totally sick that i manifested a whole personality into being and killed it? but he is real! i cried when he died. surely that must mean something. i cannot, i simply cannot stop to think of it as some schizophrenic fantasy to make up for my loneliness and my implied ugliness back then. i hate it that that dream forced me to consider it that way.
a memory. yes. he is a memory. that is all he is.
leave me voices. i don't want to go as far as to leaving my planet because of you. stop tampering with my memories and questioning their solidity.
in the train just now, she fought to get out and talk to me. i clamped my mouth shut and denied her of speaking through my mouth in front of over thirty judgemental drones. she didn't give up and spoke in my mind instead. the ever soothing words of 'what is the matter, Cyllan, what is wrong now?'. i was afraid i will start depending on her again so i didn't answer her. but my feelings did. they swirled and told tales and i couldn't stop them.
Posted by NHJ 2/16/2005 09:17:00 am
Friday, February 11, 2005
Ash of the sweet smile and the great smallness.
on my way home, i saw a proud girl. she took a hurried glance at me, gave a lofty side smile and walked away with a triumphant look in her eyes. i saw too what she didn't bother to hide; the weariness of the young in an old world.
i knew her once when she was 7. she was a tiny lass with big eyes and even bigger glasses. she was shy and had the tiniest loveliest most innocent voice i've heard back then when i was on the verge of sprouting into a teenager.
there was a buddy system in my primary school back then and i was her big buddy. i adored her. she was so tiny and meek and had the sweetest smile. even after my buddy days were over with her, she still remained small and sweet. she never hesitated to brighten days with her smile whenever she sees me. even though by then i was a high and mighty teenager. she would always be there quietly, shyly smiling at me like a beautiful, unnoticed weed.
i had an unconscious somewhat maternal love for this child. i never wanted to believe she will grow up.
her name is Ash. i saw her today. a high and mighty teenager with a lofty side smile. gone was the meek smallness i adored. and the innocence i envied and feared for. there striding in her place was a tall, well made up and confident young woman who has forgotten her old buddy whose days she made almost everyday.
i looked into her eyes wearily and saw hidden there the smallness she was keeping locked away like a sweetheart trinket which she wanted to forget. so i tried to give her my own smile, trying to show her how much i adored her and how thankful i am for always reminding me back then of my own innocence just by smiling her small, sweet smile.
for just a flicker of a moment, little Ash started to smile at me but it was smothered quickly by a toss of her hair and the spread of an old brand new side smile. and a haughty yet tired glance of a teenager.
i felt dismayed, yes. but thank you nonetheless and again, my sweet Ash for reminding me once more of my own innocence compared to the pitiful loss of yours.
my memory of you will forever be of little Ash of the sweet smile and great smallness.
Posted by NHJ 2/11/2005 08:12:00 pm
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
tidings beneath the dam
i know it was you, Revealer. you sent Nuh to check on me, didn't you? you are the only friend i know who care enough and the only one who's noble enough to safeguard enemies. by blek, Revealer. i made an oath of love. you of all people should understand. Est Sularus oth Mithas, remember? the world is nothing without it. i know you care. i know you don't believe he is taking care of me. you have my word, Revealer. he is. so please, by blek, leave me be. i am already struggling with my guilt alone.
i cannot say what i want to say. i'll always remember you. blek, you'll never read this anyway. but i know you know.
thank you for teaching me of honour.
and thank you for caring no matter how well i am taught to hate you.
fare thee well brother.
Posted by NHJ 2/09/2005 08:06:00 pm
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
last night, i dreamt of children frozen in mid air in their attempt of flight. or suicide. and how it rained tiny coins, toys and candy.
Posted by NHJ 2/02/2005 01:01:00 pm