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Sykopanther - 2001 All rights reserved

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

W smsed me today before i went for that movie. his words were, 'i need you, please talk to me'. i did not reply because that would break F's heart or something and besides i promised. i don't remember exactly what i promised but i promised i guess. so then he smsed me again saying 'where are you, please talk to me'. which i didn't reply to again for the same reasons. he then smsed me the third time saying 'you don't care after all. forget the wedding card. i don't want to give it to someone who forsake me at an hour of need' or something that went like that. he sounded so fiercely hurt.
that was what that pierced me the deepest after the first two. it hurt terribly when he needed me and i couldn't help him but saying i don't care is really -
i do care. i just cannot. and i'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing. he was my best friend. and i left him just like that and when he comes pleading for help, which is a big thing for W, i just ignore him. if i had a choice i wouldn't leave him. this decision wasn't selfish at all.
i am so sorry...

F said thank you.
maybe i should've said 'you're most welcome'. 'you're most welcome for the sacrifice i made of the past, my childhood memories, and the only other friend who had my back.' i never really understood why he wanted me to do this. i never understood why he was so ready to have me hurt just so he can spare himself from his own hurt of nightmares of my past that he thinks haunt him more than it does me. and instead of showing how grateful he is for having me go through all this pain for him, he plays the jealous obsessive boyfriend and accuses me for not being traumatised enough abt this and that, complains abt me still keeping emails from W, and being so close-minded abt my pains regarding this. it's almost like - he doesn't want to know how it hurt me.
am i doing the right thing by turning the other way when i am needed by someone whom i can trust with my life and one who was my best friend?

i dont like posting such clear things. i needed to rant.

in the midst of all this, F could say 'don't let him have so much power over you, dear'. [with regard to him requesting help from me]

he names it 'power'.

*sigh*

Posted by NHJ 1/04/2005 07:15:00 pm