Alien Landscape

embracing oaks

there really is no need to explain myself that much. it's just. i don't want to be judged like they do their own.

upon that statement i realise an obvious thing (why do i have to state it's obvious? am i afraid of being told how obvious it is in the first place?). how we're all aliens. each of us our own planet. why else then if we refuse to embrace each other as brothers? sometimes i feel like such a hippie with this whole world peace thing. thing is, it's gotten so overrated it fails to mean anything anymore.

i want to be brothers again. like when we were young. way before our adult parents told us not to talk to strangers and to be careful around other children. we loved each other then. at least i did.
not anymore. it stopped when everyone left me out of playtime in kindergarten and called me 'hantu'.
do i really look that scary?
does that have to matter?

how can i protect my child from these things? how do i explain to him that you're not allowed to love a person when he doesn't love you back? that there are people who don't want to be loved?

Atrini is really starting to bother me again. i don't know. maybe because she's so nice when she doesn't need to be. it feels much better if she's horrid. i wonder still why F didn't erase her out of my planet when he knows of the episodes i when through because of her. those ever-painful conversations with her, the frantic mind flights, sobbing nights, vast empty lonely spaces in between seconds. do i have to ask for it? i don't really want to. i don't even know if he can. and it hurts even more like that. why doesn't he ask anymore if it still hurts?
because it does. it really does.

is my need abnormal? like a freak mutation when exposed to radioactive loneliness? is that why i scare everyone away except F?

i don't know why i added that dumb tagboard.
Posted by NHJ 1/15/2005 08:27:00 pm

Saturday, January 15, 2005