ALIEN LANDSCAPE
Author : NHJ
MSN: crescent_cage@hotmail.com
email : spherickey@gmail.com
Other Blogsites
MRH
Yeoks
Airina
Iskandar
PostSecret
echoncyllan
Before Gargoyle
One Million Footnotes
Read My Poetry.
Playing:
Between the Bars (Elliott Smith Cover) by Metric
Monday, January 17, 2005
run forever, ambulance.
i saw an ambulance. it was so loud. it was screaming "weeeeee yooooooo weeeeeee yooooooo!" and it was going down the road like crazy. i saw the ambulance look around frantically as if looking for someone for help. i couldn't help... it was going too fast... and even if i can go as fast as the ambulance, what can i do to help the broken human inside...
it was so fast... i'm never going to catch up at that kind of speed. but why?
and why is it that no one cared to even spare a glance at the poor ambulance crying out like a tormented ghost? souls upon souls with broken bodies get loaded into it every day. don't anyone else hear them as clearly as i do?
what about the broken human inside of it? who is he? a woman perhaps? did she collapse out of hunger and loneliness? does she have the money to pay those doctors who pledged empty oaths to save lives? is someone there to hold her hand and tell her how much she is loved and missed?
is it right to feel so much?
it feels pointless.
and painful.
Posted by NHJ 1/17/2005 09:58:00 pm
Saturday, January 15, 2005
embracing oaks
there really is no need to explain myself that much. it's just. i don't want to be judged like they do their own.
upon that statement i realise an obvious thing (why do i have to state it's obvious? am i afraid of being told how obvious it is in the first place?). how we're all aliens. each of us our own planet. why else then if we refuse to embrace each other as brothers? sometimes i feel like such a hippie with this whole world peace thing. thing is, it's gotten so overrated it fails to mean anything anymore.
i want to be brothers again. like when we were young. way before our adult parents told us not to talk to strangers and to be careful around other children. we loved each other then. at least i did.
not anymore. it stopped when everyone left me out of playtime in kindergarten and called me 'hantu'.
do i really look that scary?
does that have to matter?
how can i protect my child from these things? how do i explain to him that you're not allowed to love a person when he doesn't love you back? that there are people who don't want to be loved?
Atrini is really starting to bother me again. i don't know. maybe because she's so nice when she doesn't need to be. it feels much better if she's horrid. i wonder still why F didn't erase her out of my planet when he knows of the episodes i when through because of her. those ever-painful conversations with her, the frantic mind flights, sobbing nights, vast empty lonely spaces in between seconds. do i have to ask for it? i don't really want to. i don't even know if he can. and it hurts even more like that. why doesn't he ask anymore if it still hurts?
because it does. it really does.
is my need abnormal? like a freak mutation when exposed to radioactive loneliness? is that why i scare everyone away except F?
i don't know why i added that dumb tagboard.
Posted by NHJ 1/15/2005 08:27:00 pm
Thursday, January 13, 2005
eyes of whirlpools
why is it that i have to seek for approval when i really don't want to? why is it that i need this so much? who has the key to my own secrets.. i wish everyone would return what isn't theirs. i wish they would start recognising.
i feel heavy. why is it so much harder to write than lie? i need to record my thoughts but i cannot even identify or even see most of them. am i even the one thinking them? is it possible for someone to do their thinking through my head? is that why i cannot see my thoughts and put them down?
have i been someone's unknowing scribe all this while?
how can there ever be such a concept called certainty? this is one of the few times i'm speaking right and most of my sentences end with a question mark.
is this why i am always so scared? of everything and nothing and anything? because the world is a rabble of uncertainty? how can i say that when everything seems so mundane? have i been missing things? slipping into great cracks in the ground and having concussions?
i recall a journey to school 2 or 3 days ago when i listened to Bright Eyes and his words cradled reality like a sleeping peaceful adult (oxymoron, no?). i forgot what he sang of but as i climbed those tiringly boring stairs, the sun flickered like a faulty lamp. everything when black then after a few moments, it was bright again. black. white. black. white. perhaps when the world stop seeing colours then it would be ok. oh i remember now.
"i don't know when but a day's gonna come
when there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun"
that's when everything went black(perhaps this is when i fell into the cracks?) then white. just when i thought someone had hastily replaced the faulty lamp with a new one, i heard a mute great roar from ahead and saw an oncoming rush of water. as blue as infinity. as dark as death. i was filled with fear. but that's the thing about reality. reality[?]. it has u rooted so firmly, something as beautiful and deadly as a mass of water rushing towards you must be the work of that villain; imagination.
so shamefully, i did not recoil or run away. i stared at the angry water blankly as it approached me with alarming speed and i blinked.
just like that it was gone. it must have spiraled and was sucked back into me. two blue whirlpools piercing into my eyes.
but the fear is still there. i am still afraid.
Bright Eyes sang some more of Californians who knew the weight of human hearts. why would i want to know that when i could already feel it? why is it heavy? what is inside of me? please can someone look into my eyes and tell me what is inside of me?
wake up F, it's time for us to fly home.
Posted by NHJ 1/13/2005 11:51:00 pm
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Menetha the Bard
Menetha [mer-nee-tha]. i'm surprised i haven't introduced her to the landscape. probably because her presence is flickering. she's like lightning. one minute she's there, dazzling like Zeus himself, the next she disappears, leaving silence and the patter of rain behind. so the lightning struck two days ago and yesterday.
i get scared of her honey vocals. i've never had a friend with honey vocals before. i heard they are dangerous and secretive. i wouldn't know. i don't know if i'm ready to find out.
there are many things i wonder about her. whether she's really as sad as she sounds, whether she can be as happy as she try to sound.
perhaps i shouldn't have told her all that. perhaps a well of secrets is necessary. mostly because she's an alien. painfully human, beautifully wrong and misunderstood.
yes, she's beautiful. all of them are. the warrior child, Innuith was beautiful. the deceptively strong princess, Axiana was beautiful and Erinfer was beautiful. i guess i am irresistably drawn to such beauty.
there is a different species of beauty on this landscape. one which i haven't learn to appreciate.
don't get me wrong. i'm not saying i'm not human. i'm just not very proud to be one.
Posted by NHJ 1/11/2005 01:08:00 pm
Friday, January 07, 2005
transparent eyelids
i taught 10 year old Sooth of the solar system today. how the sun is just one of the many stars in the universe, how humans have launched more thousands of satellites that are orbiting earth right this moment, all that science stuff. i told him of the moon (though i forgot to say it is not made of green cheese or kuachi or marshmallow.) and the nine planets and how theres a big hole in the ozone layer and how the world can end in a few centuries or even decades. poor kid. oh well. the earlier they learn of how tiny yet significant we are, the lesser the possibility of them wanting to rule to bloody world. who would want to rule a speck of dust? only small minded gluttons.
my day started at 6.20 pm when i'm free of what i had to do and finally could see F and him alone without the crowd pressing on us. i swear, sometimes i feel like the whole world is our paparazzi. we talked on and on while walking towards the station of nothing that matters to everyone but us. and we spent like an hour at the station inventing stories of voids and pokemon and cloned alternate realities. being with F is beauty.
F reckons i am the most beautiful girl in the world. and he is convinced beyond any doubt it is true. sometimes i do believe him because how can i be any less when he looks at me that way? other times, the world yell at me and say that he is a blind man.
either way, i am not really that much concerned about it. til the train that took us home came, i made faces at F while falling in love with every sound of his laughter.
Posted by NHJ 1/07/2005 01:07:00 pm
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
W smsed me today before i went for that movie. his words were, 'i need you, please talk to me'. i did not reply because that would break F's heart or something and besides i promised. i don't remember exactly what i promised but i promised i guess. so then he smsed me again saying 'where are you, please talk to me'. which i didn't reply to again for the same reasons. he then smsed me the third time saying 'you don't care after all. forget the wedding card. i don't want to give it to someone who forsake me at an hour of need' or something that went like that. he sounded so fiercely hurt.
that was what that pierced me the deepest after the first two. it hurt terribly when he needed me and i couldn't help him but saying i don't care is really -
i do care. i just cannot. and i'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing. he was my best friend. and i left him just like that and when he comes pleading for help, which is a big thing for W, i just ignore him. if i had a choice i wouldn't leave him. this decision wasn't selfish at all.
i am so sorry...
F said thank you.
maybe i should've said 'you're most welcome'. 'you're most welcome for the sacrifice i made of the past, my childhood memories, and the only other friend who had my back.' i never really understood why he wanted me to do this. i never understood why he was so ready to have me hurt just so he can spare himself from his own hurt of nightmares of my past that he thinks haunt him more than it does me. and instead of showing how grateful he is for having me go through all this pain for him, he plays the jealous obsessive boyfriend and accuses me for not being traumatised enough abt this and that, complains abt me still keeping emails from W, and being so close-minded abt my pains regarding this. it's almost like - he doesn't want to know how it hurt me.
am i doing the right thing by turning the other way when i am needed by someone whom i can trust with my life and one who was my best friend?
i dont like posting such clear things. i needed to rant.
in the midst of all this, F could say 'don't let him have so much power over you, dear'. [with regard to him requesting help from me]
he names it 'power'.
*sigh*
Posted by NHJ 1/04/2005 07:15:00 pm