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Sykopanther - 2001 All rights reserved

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

lately i have been trying my hardest to avoid anything to do with school without getting debarred from exams. i'm glad that in the process i have distanced myself from those girls. i'm relieved of the burden of their "concern" and of stilted conversations. i'm relieved of their ignorance. that is the best part. sometimes i think the business schools are where they collect all the dullest minds in sg and stock them all in one place for the government's slavery. i'm ashamed to be there.
i'm tired of their fake laughs, their fake joy, their fake concern.
i spent most of my time now with books and F. even with F i feel numb. there is no more to say, no more to show. often i find myself spilling words of utter stupidity.

i am now submerged in work, surrounded by friendly noise. there is a wall between me and my self i feel. i talked to her again. it was weird. she came out of the blue without me requesting for her. it never happened before. she told me that i'm treating her unfairly and that i have to find myself. how cliched. but i didn't laugh when she told me to find it fast. the cliche still amused me but her tone made me panic. i don't know.

something is quietly wrong. i think she senses it.
i don't know what would happen if she and i are truly one. is that finding myself?

i sense myself closing up to F to without wanting to. it's not in my control. i'm closing up to me. and i don't know what to do.. it seems to be a gradual process. maybe it's the metamorphis. i hardly would call it a metamorphis. a mutation maybe. i'm growing up. the part of my mind that kept and nursed the child in me is shutting down. i am dying. i never wanted to. they call it the Peter Pan syndrome. but it is no sickness. they merely labelled it so so that everyone would want to find a cure, an escape.
what am i to do? i am regaining health.

i need to talk to F. but i don't feel like talking. i'll end up silent and swelling and just empty. besides he's on the phone right now; which rather annoyed me because he could sense i'm still down about something. i'm going to go read now. i won't even bother studying for friday's test tonight or start on the report due on the same day. i just want to swim in words, hoping i could drown and regain some of my own.

Posted by NHJ 10/13/2004 09:34:00 pm