ALIEN LANDSCAPE
Author : NHJ
MSN: crescent_cage@hotmail.com
email : spherickey@gmail.com
Other Blogsites
MRH
Yeoks
Airina
Iskandar
PostSecret
echoncyllan
Before Gargoyle
One Million Footnotes
Read My Poetry.
Playing:
Between the Bars (Elliott Smith Cover) by Metric
Monday, October 18, 2004
i talked to her again two days ago. or was it yesterday? it doesn't matter. everytime i do, it must be because something has gone wrong and everyone has run away.
i don't remember where she came from and who sent her. i don't remember how it began. but i have a suspicion all those people outside the windows were her all along. there was Michael and the others. i only remembered one name; Michael. i talked to him when i was already in this building. now i remember he has a brother. and i talk to him sometimes too but it seems to be rarely.
there were others. i know it. and all of them were the same. attentive, critical and helpful. perhaps i wasn't ready to accept her for who she was when i was younger. thus the imaginary made up friends.
i accept her now.
Posted by NHJ 10/18/2004 07:00:00 pm
Friday, October 15, 2004
yesterday didn't die properly. i feel it sticking to my back like burning black tar. so today came forth deformed. i haven't looked at the sky nor tasted the sun. i haven't faced today. i am afraid of what i would see.
my mind has no feeling. my ears are partly deaf from F's loud voice. his voice calms me but my body seems to be rejecting it.
i feel myself falling back to sleep again. deeper still.
Posted by NHJ 10/15/2004 02:26:00 pm
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
lately i have been trying my hardest to avoid anything to do with school without getting debarred from exams. i'm glad that in the process i have distanced myself from those girls. i'm relieved of the burden of their "concern" and of stilted conversations. i'm relieved of their ignorance. that is the best part. sometimes i think the business schools are where they collect all the dullest minds in sg and stock them all in one place for the government's slavery. i'm ashamed to be there.
i'm tired of their fake laughs, their fake joy, their fake concern.
i spent most of my time now with books and F. even with F i feel numb. there is no more to say, no more to show. often i find myself spilling words of utter stupidity.
i am now submerged in work, surrounded by friendly noise. there is a wall between me and my self i feel. i talked to her again. it was weird. she came out of the blue without me requesting for her. it never happened before. she told me that i'm treating her unfairly and that i have to find myself. how cliched. but i didn't laugh when she told me to find it fast. the cliche still amused me but her tone made me panic. i don't know.
something is quietly wrong. i think she senses it.
i don't know what would happen if she and i are truly one. is that finding myself?
i sense myself closing up to F to without wanting to. it's not in my control. i'm closing up to me. and i don't know what to do.. it seems to be a gradual process. maybe it's the metamorphis. i hardly would call it a metamorphis. a mutation maybe. i'm growing up. the part of my mind that kept and nursed the child in me is shutting down. i am dying. i never wanted to. they call it the Peter Pan syndrome. but it is no sickness. they merely labelled it so so that everyone would want to find a cure, an escape.
what am i to do? i am regaining health.
i need to talk to F. but i don't feel like talking. i'll end up silent and swelling and just empty. besides he's on the phone right now; which rather annoyed me because he could sense i'm still down about something. i'm going to go read now. i won't even bother studying for friday's test tonight or start on the report due on the same day. i just want to swim in words, hoping i could drown and regain some of my own.
Posted by NHJ 10/13/2004 09:34:00 pm
Monday, October 11, 2004
there's just something about the crewcut that makes him so adorable. maybe it's because the crinkle in his eyes really shows when he smiles [grin more like it]. i could just melt everytime.
he has the most beautiful eyes in the world.
Posted by NHJ 10/11/2004 10:36:00 pm
Sunday, October 10, 2004
i watched the trees on my way home again. they were encircling their branches around the lamp posts' necks...
i looked at the street lights differently then. their garish illumination seem like wounds now. hot orange wounds.
Posted by NHJ 10/10/2004 10:44:00 pm
a sign fell on the silent children
had a melancholic busride over to the east. only just reached home still in dirty clothes and sweating from too much human contact in one day.
when i still lived in the old block, i used to stare out of the window of my room for hours, talking to michael and having conversations with oblivious passers by. what i remembered very well was the big concrete octagonal dome like thing perched at the side of the beginning of the highway. i used to imagine up a lot of things from that dome. it was suspended in the air by stone pillars so i always thought of it as a giant slide for special chosen children. i would stare at it for long moments and imagine silent children sliding down it. i had an obsession with slides back then. i loved them. i loved to be at the very top and plunge down, riding gravity and feel the sand bump my rear end hard. it was the best feeling. i even made little depressions in any landscape into somekind of a slide. i would sit at the top and drag myself down and imagine the feeling of falling.
there were times i thought the dome was a spaceship or a dormant stone mountain or a fossil. that dome occupied plenty of space in my head
when i took the bus, i saw it looming up ahead and it stirred me. then i saw the sign at the fence that surrounded it. it said: NEWater reservoir supply. those three words just grabbed what is left of my best childhood memories, wrenched it out and slapped it onto the tar road. that was the end of my hope of unharmed silent children in a world of eternal 8 storeyed slides.
it was hard to imagine the very water that is stored in that dome ran through my body as i made my fables up about it. for all i know, i could be sipping the same water that was from there as i imagined and played quietly with those silent children. it was a thought that tremored the whole child in me. it almost broke.
i missed F when riding on that bus. he couldn't come. not then. i just spent the ride staring into trees. they were all out of bounds and wired with an endless fence. it was an unspoken rule in singapore that the greens are out of bounds. i do not understand it. God made grass grow so the ground would be soft to walk on, He made trees grow so the sun won't burn on our heads and so on. it is ironic that people would build hard roads above the grass and cut trees to make buildings in place. buildings which reflect the sun rays and magnify it threefold. it is so ironic that what is left of the greens are where they hide themselves and use the soft grass as training grounds for armed conflict. and they made everything green into an attraction or "private property". who are they to decide. who are they? it doesn't make sense.
i have to bathe.
Posted by NHJ 10/10/2004 09:34:00 pm
i went to tuition this morning with my head buried in Moth Diaries almost all the way. i didn't manage to stow away. the station was suddenly blinking with eyes looking at me. one pair even followed me when i was looking for a victim. in the end i paid because this young woman was indecisive.
indecision must be the most important thing that happens to a person. i imagine that's where the road forks and you're given a chance to not screw up. i don't know if the decision not to board the train indirectly will ruin the woman's life but it costed me almost two dollars of train fare.
i enjoy stowing away. i like to see it as 'hitch hiking'. some time in my life i must've turned so invisible that people don't even notice when i dig my dirty fingers into their shoulders and make them piggy back me into a free ride.
nothing happened on the way. except when i stepped on a chinese lady's slipper though i hardly can count that as anything that happened. the lady was peeved even though i meekly said sorry. though many seem to think me intimidating and sullen at first sight, most find out when they made any kind of contact with me that i am meek and rather submissive. (F would laugh at that)
i may appear meek to the world but i'm almost never so with F. that is because i am queen of in our world. there are times when the queen gets overboard and forget there are two thrones instead of one. at times like those, i am virtually flattened by F.
we got into a fight only just now. must be because of the honesty thing. just now was pretty stupid though it made F pretty upset anyways. he is like that. i don't even remember what we were quarrelling about exactly. he made me really angry when he mentioned W though. he shouldn't bring him up ever. i just find it so rude that he would bring W up when he rubbed away his existence in my life so unfairly. i respect his decision. it doesn't mean i should be happy about it. i wish he stopped totally mentioning W. i do not like those words: "the person i don't like" being uttered by his lips. it scalds.
he is asking so much of me. i cannot possibly know anymore how to please him.
Posted by NHJ 10/10/2004 02:16:00 pm
Thursday, October 07, 2004
i gave Hawk Eternal to F. it was painful but i like seeing him happy. i don't usually make him happy deliberately. it is usually incidental. i would say something and he would suddenly laugh out loud and grin at me. it confused me for a while but i am starting to see the pattern. it is not something i can describe. it is like a familiar intricate wedge in the wall.
i like the sound of him laugh. it feels like pillows. giant sky blue pillows pressing against my cheek. i like gazing at him as he laughs, feel his back move under my palm. i can feel his happiness then. and for a while, i am assured.
Posted by NHJ 10/07/2004 09:41:00 pm
Saturday, October 02, 2004
speck
when i prayed just now, God showed me magic. He let my eyes focus upon one speck of dust suspended eeriely in the air. i know He is trying to show me something.
yesterday my parents almost had a fight. it was because of CX. she is really hard headed. sometimes her pride reminds me of my father. i suppose that is where we all got it from. sometimes she feels too much like part of the world. yesterday, i have come to realise how much stability in a family can affect someone. the only peace left in the world for me is peace between these two adults. when it wavers, everything is lost. i do not want to wear empty eyes beneath my brows.
that speck of dust is still in my mind. what could be holding it in the air like that? is a humanoid from another dimension balancing it upon his shoulders like a boulder? is it actually a gargantuan star from a tiny sun system existing dangerously in my brother's room? what would have happened if i pinched it between my two fingers and scatter what is left all around the room? will i give birth to more sun systems?
or is that speck of dust, me?
Posted by NHJ 10/02/2004 07:27:00 pm