Alien Landscape

five long days of painful longing and grey buzzing silence. it wasn't much of being dragged by the hair to a country even more alien than my birthplace, or being merely tolerated by the family because my mouth doesn't open every few seconds and that i'm not "pretty" enough or trying not to vomit all the time from motion sickness or simply just being there in that place of noisy dead and static existence that hurt so much. it was leaving F.
i finally told F abt Alien Landscape. he didn't take it too well. don't blame him though. i have been so demanding lately and not yielding much. i didn't even admit to him how i was jealous of that Tash who has a way with his brother and cousin. it was really important for me having Mr. S like me and to think i have to be pretty and flirtatious to achieve that depressed me, amusingly. i'm not new to jealousy to potential mate rivals but being jealous of bouncing minahs out to seduce his young brother settles very badly. i told F snidely of how minahs are just cursed with that gift of seduction, trying foolishly to show my superiority to their kind and ways but it just rang empty. a high 'THUNG!' sound you get when you hit an empty bottle. i'm not used to being straight forward even though i berated him so many times for dodging what is to be said.
so here i am, my chagrin hanging in the air like a bad stink while F sits far across the country, disappointed.
there i was cursing my dad's pride. apparently plentiful rubbed onto me.
Posted by NHJ 6/21/2004 07:28:00 pm

Monday, June 21, 2004